DRGNFSH
Planetary and Hospites
When Worlds Have Opinions
The Dakaverse is filled with living worlds, ancient intelligences, and visitors from beyond the stars.
This archive preserves complaints submitted by planetary consciousnesses, the Hospites Nostri, and other large-scale cosmic observers. Some concern environmental imbalance. Others involve cultural misunderstandings, orbital politics, or Earth's continued talent for confusing absolutely everyone.
Even planets have bad days.
Some have been having one for several billion years.
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Uranus
Category: Name‑Related Harassment
Complaint: “Mortals keep making jokes.”
Sun’s Note: I warned you about branding.
Status: Denied
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Neptune
Category: Temperature Discrimination
Complaint: “Everyone keeps calling me ‘cold and distant.’”
Sun’s Note: You are literally both.
Status: Resolved
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Pluto
Category: Identity Crisis
Complaint: “Am I a planet or not?”
Sun’s Note: Depends on the decade.
Status: Pending
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Earth’s Moon
Category: Workload
Complaint: “I control tides, moods, and werewolves. I deserve a raise.”
Sun’s Note: You are unpaid labor.
Status: Denied
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Mercury
Category: Thermal Fatigue
Complaint: “I am tired of being everyone’s example of ‘too hot.’”
Sun’s Note: You are too hot.
Status: Denied
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Venus
Category: Misogynistic Comparisons
Complaint: “Stop calling me ‘temperamental.’”
Sun’s Note: Stop being temperamental.
Status: Pending
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Earth’s Moon
Category: Overwork
Complaint: “I control tides AND werewolves. I deserve hazard pay.”
Sun’s Note: Denied again.
Status: Denied
PLANETARY COMPLAINTS (PL‑XX)
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Pluto
Category: Planetary Seating Arrangement
Complaint: “Jupiter and Saturn are releasing excessive atmospheric emissions. This is creating unacceptable observational conditions. Requesting immediate orbital reassignment.”
Status: Denied
Notes: Saturn insists its rings act as a “natural ventilation system.” Jupiter responded: “I am literally a gas giant. What did you expect.” Neptune whispered: “Everyone forgets about my methane…”
Resolution: Stamped Resolved: No Action Taken.
Forwarded to the Department of Gravitational Realities.
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Earth
Category: Emotional Distress
Complaint: “Humans.”
Status: Ongoing
Notes: Complaint volume exceeds system capacity.
Bookkeeper note: “We cannot process . million complaints per minute.” Earth has been advised to “try grounding techniques.” Earth refused.
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Mars
Category: Noise Pollution
Complaint: “Earth is too loud. Please tell them to stop launching things at me.”
Status: Pending
Notes: Earth claims the launches are “necessary for science.” Mars responded: “Tell them to stop sending their trash.”
Bookkeeper note: “This is the th complaint of this type.”
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Venus
Category: Climate Shaming
Complaint: “I am tired of being used as a metaphor for global warming.
It’s rude.”
Status: Approved
Notes: Earth has been instructed to “stop comparing itself to Venus.” Earth filed a counter‑complaint: “I’m trying my best.”
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Uranus
Category: Queue Management
Complaint: “Angels and demons keep cutting the line in Purgatoria. Please remind them that everyone waits.”
Status: Resolved
Notes: Angels claimed “Celestial priority.” Demons claimed “Infernal urgency.” Uranus threatened to send both back to the end of the queue. They complied immediately.
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Jupiter
Category: Respect for Authority
Complaint: “Pluto keeps calling me ‘Big Gas.’ This is harassment.”
Status: Pending
Notes: Pluto claims it was “just stating facts.” Saturn laughed.
Bookkeeper note: “We are not paid enough for this.”
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Mercury
Category: Occupational Hazard
Complaint: “Hell’s soul‑refinement emissions are drifting into my magnetosphere again. Please tell them to stop venting.”
Sun’s Note: You are literally the closest planet to the furnace. What did you expect?
Status: Denied
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Venus
Category: Climate Shaming
Complaint: “I am tired of being used as a metaphor for global warming. It’s rude.”
Sun’s Note: Earth started it. Take it up with them.
Status: Approved
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Earth
Category: Emotional Distress
Complaint: “Humans.”
Sun’s Note: Same.
Status: Ongoing
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Mars
Category: Noise Pollution
Complaint: “Earth keeps throwing metal at me. Tell them to stop launching things.”
Sun’s Note: They’re trying to move in. Good luck.
Status: Pending
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Jupiter
Category: Harassment
Complaint: “Pluto keeps calling me ‘Big Gas.’ This is bullying.”
Sun’s Note: Technically accurate.
Status: Pending
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Mars
Category: Trespassing
Complaint: “Earth left a car on me.”
Sun’s Note: They forgot it.
Status: Closed
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Jupiter
Category: Body Shaming
Complaint: “Stop calling me ‘chonky.’”
Sun’s Note: You are enormous.
Status: Denied
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Saturn
Category: Ring Maintenance
Complaint: “Stop asking if my rings are ‘natural.’ They are.”
Sun’s Note: They are not.
Status: Closed
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Uranus
Category: Queue Misconduct
Complaint: “Angels and demons keep cutting the line in Purgatoria. Everyone waits.”
Sun’s Note: Thank you for your service.
Status: Resolved
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Neptune
Category: Methane Discrimination
Complaint: “Everyone keeps pretending Jupiter invented gas. I have methane too.”
Sun’s Note: Noted.
Status: Acknowledged
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Pluto
Category: Planetary Seating Arrangement
Complaint: “Jupiter and Saturn are too gassy. Requesting orbital reassignment.”
Sun’s Note: Absolutely not.
Status: Denied
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Mercury
Category: Thermal Harassment
Complaint: “Stop calling me ‘the Sun’s toaster oven.’”
Sun’s Note: You are.
Status: Denied
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Saturn
Category: Ring Theft
Complaint: “Uranus is trying to copy my aesthetic.”
Sun’s Note: Let them have something.
Status: Approved
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Uranus
Category: Orbital Tilt Discrimination
Complaint: “Stop making fun of my angle.”
Sun’s Note: It is dramatic.
Status: Acknowledged
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Venus
Category: Misrepresentation
Complaint: “I am NOT Earth’s evil twin.”
Sun’s Note: You kind of are.
Status: Pending
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Earth
Category: Overpopulation
Complaint: “Please stop sending me more humans.”
Sun’s Note: Talk to biology.
Status: Rejected
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Mars
Category: Trespassing
Complaint: “Earth’s robots keep poking me.”
Sun’s Note: They’re curious.
Status: Acknowledged
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Jupiter
Category: Defamation
Complaint: “I am tired of being blamed for retrograde.”
Sun’s Note: That’s Mercury.
Status: Closed
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Saturn
Category: Ring Envy
Complaint: “Stop asking if other planets can ‘get rings like mine.’”
Sun’s Note: They can’t.
Status: Approved
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Earth
Category: Overuse
Complaint: “Humans keep drilling into me.”
Sun’s Note: They drill into everything.
Status: Acknowledged
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Neptune
Category: Emotional Mislabeling
Complaint: “I am not ‘moody.’ I am deep.”
Sun’s Note: You are both.
Status: Resolved
Complaint PL‑
Filed By: Pluto
Category: Workplace Isolation
Complaint: “I am too far away. I get lonely.”
Sun’s Note: Come closer.
Status: Denied
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Misinterpretation
Complaint: “Stop assuming every light in the sky is us.”
Sun’s Note: Tell humans to calm down.
Status: Closed
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Unauthorized Filming
Complaint: “Earth keeps pointing cameras at us.”
Sun’s Note: Move faster.
Status: Acknowledged
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Emotional Contamination
Complaint: “Earth’s memes are affecting our youth.”
Sun’s Note: Same.
Status: Pending
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: False Attribution
Complaint: “We did NOT build the pyramids.”
Sun’s Note: Correct.
Status: Approved
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Noise
Complaint: “Earth’s music is too loud.”
Sun’s Note: You should hear D‑Squad.
Status: Closed
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Linguistic Confusion
Complaint: “Earth languages multiply faster than bacteria.”
Sun’s Note: Try emojis.
Status: Acknowledged
HOSPITES NOSTRI COMPLAINTS (HN‑XX)
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Cultural Theft
Complaint: “Humans keep writing fanfiction about us.”
Sun’s Note: Be flattered.
Status: Closed
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Cultural Confusion
Complaint: “Humanity has too many cultures for beings so similar. Please consolidate.”
Sun’s Note: *laughs in stellar fusion
Status: Rejected
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Emotional Volatility
Complaint: “Earth’s emotional storms are interfering with our observation equipment.”
Sun’s Note: Try being the one who powers them.
Status: Pending
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Religious Confusion
Complaint: “Humanity has too many religions. Please consolidate.”
Status: Rejected
Notes: Bookkeeper note: “Absolutely not.” Earth laughed for the first time in years.
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Noise Pollution
Complaint: “Earth’s internet is too loud.”
Sun’s Note: Mute it.
Status: Resolved
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Unauthorized Contact
Complaint: “Stop blaming us for crop circles.”
Sun’s Note: That was Purgatoria interns.
Status: Approved
Complaint HN‑
Filed By: Hospites Nostri
Category: Emotional Contamination
Complaint: “Earth’s resonance storms are leaking into our sector.”
Sun’s Note: Same.
Status: Pending
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